Where are the Men? Part Two (reprint from 2018)

In a previous article, I defined what a man is. There has been a definite shift in the way society views man, his virtues, his strengths.

In a not too distant past, a gentleman respected a lady enough to…. always open her doors, help her put on a coat, stand at attention when she entered or exited the room, offer a seat to her and help her be seated, and carry her packages.1

Today, if a man did these things, the woman might hit him. Have manners changed that much?

In the process of allowing women their freedom to “be all that they can be”, men have been hit, spit on, and screamed at for trying to continue old fashioned etiquette. “I can get the door myself.” “I can cuss as well as any man.” “I can carry my own packages, thank you very much.” This shift in society not only effects etiquette, but the entire society’s framework.

Society leaves men wondering who they are and what they should do. If they hold the door open for women, they are accused of being a sexist, but if they do not, they are cursed for ungentlemanly conduct. What should a man do?

The ramifications of “equality for all” were demonstrated when an Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia sank on January 13, 2012.  An Australian mother and her young daughter were “pushed aside by hysterical men as they tried to board lifeboats”.  Another woman passenger recounted, “big men, crew members, pushing their way past us to get into the lifeboats".

Is chivalry dead? How is a man supposed to act when society, media, government, laws, and women have told him now for years that women can do everything men can do and that he is nothing more than an over-grown child, coward, pervert, and enemy?

This illustration on Costa Concordia reflects what is happening in all of society.

If society treats man as the enemy, then society loses their fathers, husbands, role models, leaders and protectors.

Where are the husbands? We don’t need them when the woman can support herself. Then in divorce courts the woman can leave the man penniless for life. What incentive does he have to marry?

Where are the fathers? We don’t need them when the mother can get more money from the government if she is not married.

Where are the role models? They are put in prison as sex-offenders when they restrain someone from stepping in front of a car.

Do we need specific examples?

According to men's activists Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson:

“The US marriage rate has dipped 40% over the past four decades, to its lowest point ever.” The least mentioned explanation:  American men, facing a court system “hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a ‘marriage strike.'” (p. 3)2

Examples, and they are not isolated, speak of the risks and costs of marriage for the man. In a blog on men’s rights one commenter wrote:

“Problem is, at least 7 out of 10 guys I talk to tell me that it (marriage) is one of the worst mistakes that they ever made. Some tell me not to marry American women, that they are all feminist at heart. One married guy told me that I could get the same effect by selling my house, giving all my money away and having someone castrate me. This is really starting to unnerve me and the more I learn about the legal bias against men, I’m beginning to back off of marriage.” (p. 17)

Over the period of 1960 to 2010, women could support a child without a husband due to state support or earned income. If the women do not need men, the social status of the working-class man disappears. (p. 130)

Men contribute 69.9% of the work force, the lowest ever recorded. Why so low? (p. 132)

Vic from a men’s blog states: “Men are doing the math. When you see your friends vilified in family court by their “Christian” wives, you have to take a step back and ask yourself a question. If that admired pastor with 30 years of ministry, community service and business is going to lose his kids, income and ministry because his wife isn’t happy anymore, what chances do I have?” 

A commenter from the same blog stated: “I work in a law firm, in a staff position. I haven’t had a man for a boss in over 17 years. That is normal in most offices, as most middle-management positions are now filled with women. Since most people hiring hire people who look like themselves, guess what? Women managers tend to hire more women.” (p. 133) 

Because women marry men with higher status and more resources than themselves, independent women and government-assisted women find fewer men that they can marry. “Result? Men slowly discover that the effort to win women’s attention via employment is not rewarding them the way it did for their dads and granddads, and that now only herculean efforts to make considerably more than women will give them an edge in the mating market.” (p. 131) 

Not only are men reluctant to marry, but when they do, the risks of losing it all in divorce are high. Soldiers, returning after defending their country, discover that their family moved and they do not know where. Why have they been fighting?

What about the father scene?

In the 1990’s, if a woman claimed that she was using birth control but didn’t, she could raise a child without the father even knowing the child’s existence. She could then sue him for retroactive child support ten to twenty years later (depending on the state). His options were to have his wages garnished or go to jail. (p. 42)

Tens of thousands of men have been wrongly compelled by law to pay years of child support for children whom DNA tests prove they are not theirs. Some had no idea they were ‘fathers’ until their wages were garnished for child support. (p. 49).

Why men don’t want to be husbands and fathers? The risks are too high.

What about role models and society’s need for protection?

Mirko Fischer, businessman, sued British Airways over their policy banning male passengers from sitting next to children they don’t know. Before take-off, male passengers are required to move if they are sitting beside a youngster. The aircraft will not take off unless the passenger obeys. Fischer accused the airline of branding all men as potential sex offenders and says innocent travelers are publicly humiliated. (pp. 96-97)

 NCH, a children’s charity in UK, identified the reason so many charities struggle to recruit men to work with children. Polled men feared being labeled as pedophiles. (p. 98)

Two-year-old Abigail Rae drowned in a village pond in England. A passing man feared to guide the child to safety because the threat of being labeled ‘a pervert.’ (p. 98)

Dr. Jim Macnamara, an Australian professor of public communications in Sydney, analyzed two thousand mass media portrayals of men and male identity. Sixty-nine percent of mass media and commentary depicted men as villains, aggressors, perverts and philanderers compared with just 12% favorable and 19% neutral or balanced. (p. 106)

Wendy McElroy illustrates:

“Last summer, an Illinois man lost an appeal on his conviction as a sex offender for grabbing the arm of a 14-year-old girl. She had stepped directly in front of his car, causing him to swerve in order to avoid hitting her.

The 28-year-old Fitzroy Barnaby jumped out of his car, grabbed her arm and lectured her on how not to get killed. Nothing more occurred. Nevertheless, that one action made him guilty of ‘the unlawful restraint of a minor,’ which is a sexual offense in Illinois. Both the jury and judge believed him. Nevertheless, Barnaby went through years of legal proceedings that ended with his name on a sex offender registry, where his photograph and address are publicly available. He must report to authorities. His employment options are severely limited; he cannot live near schools or parks.” (p. 99)

NV wrote in the Parent Dish:

“I used to coach girls’ soccer…. I stopped because one of the girls (8 years old) said: ‘I don’t have to listen to you. I can get you in trouble just by telling people you touched me.’…”

What do children absorb when every TV father is absent or stupid? (p. 107)

What faster way to turn civilization toward progressivism than to diminish the male role, make them the weaker sex and feminize the boys? (p. 108)

Why are men opting out of marriage, fatherhood, society? The risks are too high.

Recently, Sweden decreed that they would have no more genders. What does that mean? That we all become men? Certainly not, we’ve been trying to change men for the past forty years to become more sensitive, more understanding, more communicative. So what does everyone become when they are nongender? More like the female. So where does that leave the man? Can he become any more like women? Only at the sacrifice of himself and society. 

Women should fear a world where men not only don’t respect them but dislike them. Our society is too blind to see our own danger. We are too evil to know how close to destruction we are.

We do not have to teach girls to be ladies, they may be a bit of a tom-boy (if that word is acceptable anymore), but they can still act the lady. But boys must be shown how to be men. The male role model is essential for men to be kings, warriors, teachers, and friends

If we lose our kings, we lose our land to the enemy.

If we lose our warriors, who will protect our future?

If we lose our teachers, who will instruct our boys on the skills that men need to be men?

If we lose our friends, we have become dictators and the evil isn’t around us. It is us.

How are men to fight that?

1See more at:

2Smith, Helen, Ph.D. Men on Strike: Why Men Are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and the American Dream---and Why It Matters. NY: Encounter Books, 2013.

Displaying all 4 comments

This is an older article and everything you said is even truer in our day. Reading it, I became so upset at all the insanity going on around us. What a huge blessing to be married to a MAN, but we're both older and the younger generation seems to not have had the training they need. Fortunately Bob's two sons who live near us take after their father and they are a real blessing in our lives. Thanks Sonya for telling it like it is.

Great article. Women (in general) don't see the detrimental consequences of a societal debasing of men- just because they are men. When an entire generation of men opt out of society, then women will be forced to pay the freight. And most women don't like to get their hands dirty. Thank God that I am not in my 20s or 30s...

Men are everywhere. Even good men are everywhere. Most men are decent people.

The problem is that women can't SEE them. A man only becomes visible to a woman if he meets certain criterion - he's tall enough and has a high enough paying job - OR - he's a total womanizer.

If a man doesn't fit these criterion, he's invisible.

Sorry ladies - men aren't vanishing, they're still there, but you won't see them until it's too late. :(

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Author of Biblical fiction, married to my best friend, and challenged by eight sons’ growing pains as I write about what matters.

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