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I write about what matters...to you---
women, wives and moms---
about your family, faith and future.
I write about what's hard, what helps and what heals.
I show you how it's done. And not done.
I hold your hand as you find what matters to the Savior.
And let go of those things that mattered to you, but not to Him.
I write about what matters...to Him.
Sonya Contreras
Do You Feel Judged?
After we had been married over a year, we lived with my husband’s parents (I do not recommend this.) We asked what they expected from us. They answered, ambiguously, “Help out.” We asked for more details to avoid misunderstanding.
At the time, my husband was going to school full time, so the “help” would come from me, who had a baby “to help.” As time progressed, I sensed disfavor from my father-in-law. Wasn’t I cleaning the kitchen? Making dinner when there was food? Cleaning after messy kids came for the weekend? I even dusted their window blinds, one panel at a time. Who does that?
When we asked him, he wanted me to clean the ceiling fans and dust the tv.
How was I supposed to get on a ladder with a toddler at my heels? I avoided the huge tv screen that was his pride; I was afraid I’d smear it with my cleaning attempts.
In order to avoid the disfavor, I avoided him. I stayed in my room when he was home. It became a constant stress.
Of course, all this took place while my husband was at school.
My husband made the decision to move out, even though we had no money and he still was full-time student with PA rotations that required around the clock availability. It was an act of faith for sure, but it was more a move to save my sanity.
Years afterward, I still felt I couldn’t clean good enough. When my in-laws visited (which was often), I would clean, but still feel undone.
I felt judged.
That adjustment of being a bride is just as hard for the bride as it is for the groom’s parents. See What's a Mother-In-Law To Do.
When we were expecting our first-born, we wanted a home-birth. [Hospitals are for sick. Delivering babies is not sick. Besides, I do not like doctors, (one PA excluded).]
My father-in-law took my husband aside and said, “I know she wants this, but if anything goes wrong, you will be responsible.”
Of course, my husband defended me and it was our decision.
They did not know me and wanted the best for their son, and wasn’t sure if I was that best yet.
That judging was based on concern for their son.
[All my daughters have become precious in their own rights.:)]
The world today uses the word judge as a negative. Shouldn’t we get along with everyone? And accept everything?
When I was a mom of young children, I did not accept everything.
I did not allow just any book or movie to come into our home.
My husband and I screened them.
(NOTE: Many harmless Disney movies often portray a rebellious girl who proves to her father she is right and praised. We did not allow those.)
We were forming our boys’ minds to be in tune with the Bible (Philippians 4:8 gives criteria.)
If a questionable person, sometimes even a relative, was present, I did not allow my boys alone with them.
Sure, it was inconvenient for me.
Sure, it was time-consuming.
Sure, it was demanding.
But we wanted our boys to know truth. And we wanted them protected from wrong influences.
Some would say we "sheltered" our boys, especially with homeschooling.
We would say, "we prepared our boys."
When the boys “came of age,” (the age varied with the child), we didn’t cast them out into the world unprepared, but weaned them gradually by allowing them choices after careful instruction. Thus they were able to better discern good and evil.
As young men, they must continue to sharpen their judgment by applying what they do against the Word of God. (As we all must do.)
I remember one incident. A relative had two of the boys for an afternoon. He took them to a movie (the boys had never been to a movie). In the middle of the movie, the relative couldn't find the boys. After searching, he found them in the lobby. When asked, my older son said he didn't think this movie should be watched and had taken his brother with him to wait in the lobby. My son was twelve.
Choosing what is right requires judgment.
Another word could be discernment.
You choose one thing over another because it is a better choice.
Not always is it right against wrong; sometimes, it is better versus good.
We often hear the statement, “That’s not fair.”
The idea of fairness comes from our inner sense requiring a certain “rightness.”
That inner voice or conscience was instilled by God to direct us to Him.
Because we have that inner conscience telling us what we should and should not do, we are accountable for our actions, unlike a dog trained only for its master’s whims. (Some dogs have been trained to do some very bad things, and the dogs are happy to obey their master.)
We feel, even when no one is watching, that we should do right. Because Someone is watching.
We feel judged when we cannot meet a standard.
Sometimes, the standard (like the illustration with my father-in-law) is based on man’s ideas. I fell short, even after he has been gone for several years now and no longer looking at my messy house.
But there is an absolute standard for right and wrong instilled by the God of righteousness.
That standard is the Bible.
Because we want to control, we set up our own standard.
Many ignore the standard, or proclaim there is no standard.
But they cannot silence the dissatisfied feeling in their heart.
They long to be made right and acceptable.
Because God still calls them to look to Him.
Some, by ignoring that inner voice, have hardened their hearts against God.
Pharaoh did this by denying the Israelites to leave. He suffered final judgment.
The fact that there is a right and a wrong way to do things also means there’s a judgment when someone does wrong.
For example, our U.S. court system proclaims a person “guilty” after determining our standard of conduct has been broken.
That “rightness” can become warped by our hearts’ hardness—like a criminal of heinous sins.
His hardened heart accepts his own actions as right in his own eyes.
Many today have set up their own standard of rightness. See this driving in a grocery store parking lot. They do not care whether they speed through the aisles.
What’s all this got to do with you?
Everything.
The fact that we know good from evil. (Our conscience).
The fact that we are required to conform to God’s standard. (The Bible).
The fact that we can’t on our own, means that someday all will stand before God and give an account for what we have done with our lives.
“But they (all men and women) will give account to Him (God) who is ready to judge the living and the dead.” I Peter 4:5.
But Peter gives hope, “For the gospel has for this purpose been preached even to those who are dead, that though they are judged in the flesh as men, they may live in the spirit according to the will of God.” I Peter 4:6.
Jesus became our substitute.
Jesus took our judgment for our sin on the cross.
Our sins were judged by God on the cross.
Those who accept Jesus as their substitute will stand before God justified.
Those who do not accept what Jesus has done will be judged.
That judgment is eternal. And it is hell.
The question should not be “Do you feel judged?”
The question should be, “When will you be judged?”
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Faith
Find more articles about faith here:
Dear Faithful and Loyal Readers
Life Falling Apart? Try Gratitude
A Few Words about Marriage
When Suffering Gets Personal
What an Amazing God We Serve
Response to Healthy Gaming
How Miserable Are You? Are You Happy?
The Need for Meaning Even in Pain
Reminders of What's Important
God's Unmeasurable Love
A Quarter of a Century Spent for Our Country
What Were You Thinking?
Who Are You Watching?
Boundaries for a Better Life
God's Boundaries
Memories of a Hero Mom
The Ripple Effect
How Do We Think Like Jesus
Litany of a Waiting Woman
Ever Cook a Frog?
New Year's Reminders
They Galled Her Gammy
When God Speaks
A Russian Christmas Story
Be Thankful
Be Grateful
Are You Tired of the Same, Old Thing?
(reprint)
Laughter—Why Laugh?
Mom
Are You Disturbed?
Unity of the Brothers
Encouragements To Declutter
Do You Have Too Much Stuff?
Too Much Stress
Getting Past the Noise—The Value of Silence
Are You Scatterbrained?
How Good Are You?
Looking for Something Good To Read?
A Cup of Cold Water
I Will Trust When I Cannot See
Encouragement—What Is It?
Being in God's Presence
"Einstein and the Professor"
When God Is Silent
Do You Crave Beauty?
Using Stories to Discipline
The Danger of the Wrong Story
Using Stories to Teach Lessons
God is in charge of the future
November Dare Joy Challenge
Ungratefulness
Developing an Attitude of Gratitude
Looking for Jesus
What Do Your Prayers Reflect?
Life's Little Pleasures
Daniel—Greatly Loved by God
Take Every Thought
Jars of Clay
What Do Your Words Reveal about Your Heart?
How Do You Get Strong Faith?
Too Busy for God's Word?
How Do You Think Like Jesus?
Reflections from a Mom
Pain—What's It Good For?
Why Marry?
Consider the Robin
One Life Who Made a Difference
What Day Are You Living In?
Interrupted by God
Is Jesus Really the Answer to Everything?
Are You Beat Up?
What's Your Hurry?
Are You a Manipulator?
Are You Salty?
Are You Condemned?
Trying to Understand?
Do You Expect Answers to Your Prayers?
Do You Eat Your Stress?
Need Focus?
Going through Trouble?
Immanuel—God with Us
Looking for a Relationship?
When God Says, "No!"
What Do You Do with Left-Overs?
How Great Is Your God?
Are You Needy?
How Do You See Sin?
What Do Your Words Mean?
Is Evil Overwhelming You?
Those Aha Moments
Is Your Soul Happy?
Are You Ignored?
Looking for the God Moment
Do You Know Truth from Almost Truth?
I Believe in Jesus—What Now?
Do You Have Your "Son"-Glasses On?
Less Is More
Singing His Praise
Are You Trying To Do It All?
What Do You Do with All These Prayer Requests?
Have a Problem?
Do You Know How to Pray?
Looking for God in Every Moment
Are You Receptive to God's Blessings?
Tell the Senate: Mothers Aren't Birthing People
Is Your Life Complicated?
How Do We Fight Evil?
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
Giving Up or Taking Away
the Bible is simple
Are You a Dripping Faucet?
What's Your Testimony?
The Final Move
Be Careful What You Wish For!
Are Your Prayers Answered?
I Choose Joy
What Have You Learned from Your Hardship?
Who Are You Trying to Change?
What's Your Five-Year Plan?
The Danger of "Aloneness"
My Colors
Are You a Whiner?
Are Your Works Approved?
Do You Think You're Stressed?
Is Your Soul Feeling Ragged?
God Speaks to the Heart of the King
What about the Details?
Have You Felt the Long-Suffering of God?
How Does God Lead You?
Do You Have Enough?
Don't Carry More than You Need
Cast the Seed
God Is Faithful
Are You Deceived?
Are You Essential?
Are You Safe?
Are You Tired of the Same Old Thing?
Does the World Make Sense?
Have You Seen God's Majesty?
Do You Feel Judged?
If You Only Had One More Day To Live
Are You Understood?
Do You Long for the Word of God?
Slow Down and Smell the Dead Leaves
Are You Hospitable?
Our Heritage Is Bought by Blood
Are You Disturbed?
Are You Depressed?
I Did It My Way
Finding the Simple Life with Meaning
The Simple Life
Do You Have the Right Words?
Did Your Dream Die?
On the Other Side of the Fence
Marijuana, Mental Illness, and Violence
Confessions of a Desperate Mom
Saving for Tomorrow
A Wedding Remembered
Who Will Stand in the Gap?
Are You a Protector or a Ruler?
Who Are You?
Are You an Image Bearer or a Wad of Cells?
Are You a Watchman?
Where Do You Find Meaning?
The Lamb of God as Told by a Scribe
What Love Is This?
Remember: The Symbols of Passover Explained
Tea and Rest
Do You Have Peace?
What Makes a Marriage Work?
When Life Is Awful
Are You Strong Enough?
Rules
Seasons
Be Faithful through Suffering
Do You Know the Word?
Wake Up! Strengthen What Remains
Are You Spit in God's Mouth?
Is Jezebel in Your Midst?
Do You Stand Against Satan Himself?
Are You Tired of Being a Mom?
What in the World Is Happening?
It's Not My Story
How Would Your Faith Compare?
Are You Sinking?
Are You a Rule Follower?
Useful for Him
An Intimate Moment with Mary
The Worldview that Makes the
Underclass
Thoughts to Ponder
What Does It Take To Know the
Heart of God?
See the Story in the Stars
Do the Scriptures Burn You?
Being in His Presence
Contentment: It's Not for the Timid
How Secure Are You?
How Do You Respond To Stupid People?
The Earthworm Is My Hero
Heart Issues or Issues of the Heart
Things Aren't Always What They Seem
More faith articles are found here:
under the Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Or here:
under the Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Articles on Suffering can be found here,
under Table of Contents. Also available in book form.
Special Days
Remember: The Symbols of
Passover Explained
Aug 12, 2017 The Heavens Declare the Glory of God
July 4th, Freedom
What Is an American Soldier?
Valentine's Day: A Day of Love?
Memorial Day-A Day To Remember
Veterans' Day-To Honor Our Men
Fall Colors
First Thanksgiving Day
Proclamation
Christmas: Stories behind the Songs
Christmas: Stories behind the Songs, part 2
Motherhood
Find other articles about motherhood
here:
What's a Mom?
Memories of a Hero Mom
They Called Her Gammy
Are You Tired of the Same, Old Thing?
Who's Responsible for the Children
The Battle for Our Children
Dear Master of Hands
Close to Home
Reflections from a Mom
Just the Mother-In-Law
A Mom Who Knew Her Job
Letting Go of my Fourth Son
Making a House a Home
How Do I Pray?
Picking up Acorns
Changed by God
Last Times
Are You a Failure?
What To Do Now?
Are You Tired of the Same Old Thing?
What's in a Book, Anyway?
Marijuana, Mental Illness, and Violence
Confessions of a Desperate Mom
You Are Not Alone
A Wedding Remembered
Sunday Morning Excuses—Is It Worth It?
Stages of Parental Control
Homeschooling Myths Debunked
Seasons
Do You Know the Word?
Wake Up! Strengthen What Remains
Is Jezebel in Your Midst?
Are You Tired of Being a Mom?
A Day in a Mom's Life
What Talents Are You Wasting as a Mom?
What Have I Learned as a Mom?
What's in It for Me?
Adoption—The Heart of God
The Making of a Man part 4
The Making of a Man part 3
The Making of a Man part 2
The Making of a Man
Are Your Children Safe from Bullying?
Are Your Children Safe from Child-napping and Sexual Abuse?
Are Your Children Safe?
The Value of Remembering
Marjorie Rutherford: A Testimony to God's Faithfulness
Marjorie Conrad: A Testimony to God's Trustworthiness
Starting School Again
Dependence or Independence?
Breast Milk Made Especially for Your Child
What Is Essential for Babies?
My Space, My Time, My Needs
What's a Mom?
A Mother's Influence
A Mother of Boys
Prepare for the Lord: Thoughts for Moms from Exodus 19
Author of Biblical fiction, married to my best friend, and challenged by eight sons’ growing pains as I write about what matters.